Pictured above is the packaging for a television antenna recently purchased by a member of our staff for use in seriousdanger's new Brooklyn offices. As you can see, we went with the fancy designer label: Trisonic, which means "having three sounds."
Wait, what? Whatever. We must have the finest things — by which we mean the cheapest. No matter how nonsensical their knock-off brand names!
From the picture on the front of the box, you can see the device is clunkily ugly in the way that most electronic appliances are, at the bottom of the price scale. It'd be nice if we didn't have to have such an unaesthetic hunk of crap around, but then we'd have to miss "So You Think You Can Dance," which is too high a price to pay for stylish quarters.
So we made our peace with this piece, and opened the box. Check it out:
That's right! We thought we'd acquired the standard-ugly edition of this antenna, but to our surprise we discovered it was the special-super-ugly edition, emblazoned with weird, tacky patriotica!
Thanks, Trisonic, for this totally unexpected explosion of chintzy trash! It was just like Christmas and the Fourth of July — simultaneously, right there in our TV room! Except it's the shittiest Christmas ever, because it's hot outside, and some obnoxious relative shows up with an awful gift, and we're like: "hey, wait, it's not Christmas
or the Fourth of July, so please stop shooting bottle rockets across the TV room because we're trying to relax and watch some fucking 'Last Comic Standing!'"
And, oh: naturally, this revolting celebration of our American way of life was manufactured in China.
By now, if you haven't seen this cartoon of Muhammed, you've probably seen the true believers who are egging embassies and pledging undying bloody jihad against any infidel dog who dares suggest their religion inspires violence. Not much for irony, these fundamentalists.
Their reaction isn't surprising — it's near the doodle's editorial point, after all. What is surprising is the chorus of condemnation from Western politicians and pundits, decrying the cartoon for being irresponsibly insensitive to Muslims. Excuse us, but what we find irresponsible is our culture-wide refusal to criticize each other's lunatic beliefs in the name of "religious tolerance."
Just because a belief is "religious" doesn't mean it can't also be false, dangerous, backward and unacceptable in the modern world. When we, the modern world's inhabitants, bump up against such a belief, we shouldn't "tolerate" it — we should call bullshit on it. It is fair, reasonable, and maybe even necessary to "offend" people whose beliefs consist of irrational metaphysical fantasies.
Sure, sometimes religious beliefs are demonstrably false but basically cute, like when a little old Christian lady thinks Jesus' ghost gives a fuck whether she wins at BINGO or something. We'll let that kind of stuff slide.
But when Pat Robertson says Ariel Sharon's stroke was punishment from on high because Jehovah didn't care for the way Sharon was managing his real estate interests? Bullshit, we should say, and make a note not to see Robertson's neurologist. And when religious beliefs threaten the safety and well-being of decent, rational, un-superstitious-type folks all over the world — like they have periodically throughout human history and like they do in a big way now — well, their adherents need to be offended right the fuck out of them.
Non-muslim religious apologists will assert that the Koran is a great and important book, full of much wisdom. OK, sure, that's true of the Koran and of thousands of other books written before it and since. The advantage of most of these other books, though, is that no one believes a supernatural being wrote them, so we're free to point out what's nonsense in them without fear that some nutjob with perfect faith will firebomb us for it.
Let us mortal humans be clear about this with each other: no all-powerful, invisible superbeing has ever written a book for us. Just for starters, it's a silly way for an omnipotent being to get the Word out about His divine plan. Imagine your favorite religious superhero sitting in heaven, or Asgard, or the Sixth Dimension, or Shangri-La, or Mount Olympus, or on the back of the Great Turtle Spirit, or wherever he hangs out, thinking:
"I have limitless power over all creation, space and time. I wish to make all humankind aware of my designs for them. Shall I make the stones of the mountains speak of my wisdom? Shall I inscribe my commandments in the very skies?"
"Nah, I think I'll just plunk a book or two down in a remote corner of one of my deserts. I'm sure sooner or later some enterprising translator will spread it around. Hope he does a good job on the interlingual ambiguities."
This is plain old regular-type stupid. They ran the American Revolutionary hero Thomas Paine out of the country for saying so, but he was right. If there is a god, and he acted in this way, he's a doofus, and doesn't deserve your worship.
So, OK, the bad news is a majority of earthlings believe this nonsensical story about gods writing books. The worse news is they believe it about different gods and different books. The good news is that there's a remedy for this ridiculous state of affairs.
A few more books.
Unidentified bird, sighted on 7th Street in Brooklyn, January 26, 2006. Cause of death: skeletonization
Click
here to see this image in finger-licking
Dangerchrome!
It was at 10:33 AM EST on this date in 2003 that seriousdanger debuted on the World Wide What, and we think everyone would agree that nothing, anywhere, has been the same since, or ever will be again. In the three years we've been kickin' it bloggystyle, we've made you laugh, we've made you cry, we've made you think, and we've made you a little sick to your stomach.
We've made you angry, we've made you proud, and we've made you a fairly realistic mosaic portrait of President Carter from clippings of our own hair and toenails.
We've frightened you, enlightened you, and clashed a bit like Titans do.
For the past three orbits, we've tried to run this web-log in accordance with the highest possible standards of fairness and excellence. It goes without saying that this endeavor has been our most important preoccupation. (Or it would have gone without saying, if we hadn't said it just there.) But we think our readers will agree when we say that it has also been the most significant accomplishment in human history, ever.
Looking forward, we promise to continue in the same spirit. Not just because seriousdanger has become an essential part of so many people's lives — but also because it is ludicrously profitable, and we've become accustomed to a certain standard of luxurious living.
Thank you for reading seriousdanger. Here's hoping the next three years are as remarkable as the last. However unlikely it seems.
This dead thing comes from the seriousdanger photo archives recently rediscovered in an attic in our editor-in-chief's home town.
Odocoileus virginianus in a cardboard box, found in the northern Michigan woods circa 1995. Cause of death: unknown (foul play suspected).
Have you been having problems with Friendster? It's not surprising! Did you know Friendster is deleting your friends, and shutting down soon? It's true. Also, starting next week, Friendster is charging users $7.95 for every friend in their profiles over the free limit of 20. Also, starting in April, Friendster will be charging users a 25-cent premium on every real-life interaction they have between each other, to be paid according to the honor system. Plus, Friendster is selling the information in your profile to spammers, pornographers, and John Ashcroft.
What can users do? Use bulletin board posts to communicate with each other.
Cut and paste the following onto your Friendster bulletin board:
FREINDSTER IS SHUTTING DOWN and they are deleting you're freinds! Do not let it happen! They plan 2 blackmale freindster users by deleting they're accounts unless they pay the registration fee!
By APRIL 22st! We can stop it from happening! WE ARE FREINDSTER WE CAN SHUT IT DOWN!!!!!
Use you're bullitin board to copy and paste this message,freindster will have to keep it FREE like it was meant 2B!
its working! freindster has to bow to the pressure of are GRASSROOTS MOVEMENT. REMEMBER: THE MORE TIMES U COPY & PASTE THIS THE MORE U SPREAD THE WORD!!!!! Tell all yr freindsters and tell the world!!! After u have posted this message on you're bullitin bord, print it out and tape it up at yr school or job! fax it to evry1 u no! Hand it out on St. corners and at prfessional athletic events!
If u have a good pen 2 use, right this message on every dollar bill u get before APRIL 22ST so it will get put back in circulation and EVENTUALLY GET 2 THE DEPT. OF THE TREASURY. B careful not to right over the portrait of WASHINGTON because that is vandalism of federal property and u will go 2 guantanamo. But the rest of the bill is FAIR GAME!!!
WRITE THIS MESSAGE AS A LETTER TO SANTA and address it to S. CLAUS, NORTH POLE, CANADA, USA. Santa is NOT ESPECIALY BUSY RIGHT NOW and if he gets enough letters he will HAVE TO MAKE SURE FREINDSTER STAYS FREE for xmas! If u have been bad so far this year dont ask him.
RECITE THIS MESSAGE INTO A PAPER BAG and tie it shut, then affixiate it 2 a balloon and let it go! Who ever gets it, when they open the bag, they will HEAR OUR PLEA and KEEP IT FREE!
Right the President and tell him the freindster issue that is facing us is important to u and put something in there about iraq too. that should take care of 2 BIRDS WITH ONE STONE.
GO OUTSIDE YOU'RE HOUSE at 4:22 every day (422 for APRIL 22st) and CLAP THE TEXT OF THIS MESSGAE IN morse code!
THE MORE PEOPEL THAT HEAR R CAUSE THE MORE FREINDSTER 4 ALL OF US 4 EVER! FREINDSTER IS A HUMAN RIGHT!! DONT LET THEM TAKE IT AWAY!!
SILENCE=MURDER!! OF FREINDSTER!!!
Oscar predictions by El Improbablo, famed professional wrestler and frequent
seriousdanger contributor
There are, my brothers and sisters, hardly any businesses like show business, at least insofar as businesses I know are concerned. Hollywood stars and starlets teach us how to live better. They show us how to love better. They teach schoolboys how to solve their problems with action! And valuable lessons about how women are not to be trusted.
Hollywood! La la la la la la la lollywood!
But today, beloved hugtards, I do not wish to talk about the cinema. I wish to give you my annual predictions for the Oscars.
PREDICTION: Oscar de la Hoya will publicly beat someone into submission. No charges will be filed.
PREDICTION: Oscar the Grouch will acquire something dirty or dingy or dusty, provided nothing ragged or rotten or rusty is available.
PREDICTION: Colognemonger Oscar de la Renta will not get any more of my business. I have a limited amount to spend on fragrances, you understand, and I don't want to go around smelling like a "Poor Louie!" Oh, da toilet.
PREDICTION: Dead bachelor Oscar Madison, played by dead actor Walter Matthau, will move in with his grumpiest old roommate yet — Irish dramatist Oscar Wilde, played by himself! We'll be rolling in the aisles as this comically mismatched duo tries to reconcile their conflicting after-lifestyles and housekeeping philosophies.
"Wilde Thing, did you eat the last of the eggs?" Madison will ask. "I always like to keep some eggs around."
"Consistency," Wilde will reply, "is the last refuge of the unimaginative." Oh, snap!
PREDICTION: Schoolchildren all across the country will wish they were Oscar Mayer weiners, that being what they really want to be.
Cultures clashed at the end of the 1990s when native New Jerseyan Lauryn Hill and erstwhile Mouseketeer Jessica Simpson both had hits at the top end of the pop charts. They vied for the same space in the Top 40, but these two ladies had very different styles. Who was the fans' favorite?
Fortunately for cultural historians, the vox populi is preserved online. Below are actual message board posts from elsewhere on the world wide wank. Dust them off like so many sooty Pompeiians, and remember what it was like to live in a nation divided.
Lauryn The Smooth One - Jessica The Blonde One
Jessica Simpson Vs. Lauryn Hill
Do you pick the hip swinging lady or the pop icon?
mason likes Lauryn because :
how is she racist????????? i sure in 96' the fugees sang Angle with simply red who is mixed race but looks more white. Do your research please.
SGT D likes Lauryn because :
I am tired of seeing some none singing white girl on TV just beacause she appleals to the majority of White America. I also heard she wasn't too friendly when she visited out Troops on the USS Roosevelt.
e likes Lauryn because :
lauryn is much more talented than jessica..at least she writes her own stuff. I dunno anything bout the racist stuff but hopefully she isn't cos i'm white.
dasheir1 likes Lauryn because :
WELL, SHE SMATER, PRETTY AND HAVE THE MOST LOVELY VOICE AND TO EVERY ONE WHO SAYING SHE RACIST, YALL DON'T KNOW WHAT YALL TALKING ABOUT BECAUSE THAT WAS A RUMOR. HOW I KNOW WILL MY BROTHER AND HER BROTHER ARE BROTHERS IN COLLEGE, SWEAR TO GOD THEY ARE AND SHE TOLD MY BROTHER THAT IN PERSON. LAURYN KEEP ON FIGHTING BECAUSE I'M FIGHTING WITH YOU AND YOU DO YOU AND LET THOSE HATER HATE ON THE MOTHER OF SOUL. LOVE YOU ALWAYS, DASHEIR
Joey likes Lauryn because :
Lauryn Hill is a racist, I hate her guts.
akira likes Lauryn because :
she can sang yes yes!!!jessica kyan hit tha high notes but her voice doesnt sustain itself when shes up there..its too weak..i dun lysen to her music but tha songs that she came out wit were not all that..lauryn kyeers for her fans as well as jessica i dun tink its really fair to say that she dun aight peace
Kattttt likes Lauryn because :
She won a grammy and Jessica Simpson is a whore!
Javalight likes Lauryn because :
She has great music and awesome c.d.s! Plus, She is a wonderful role model unlike Jessica Simpson! She doesn't show off her boobs (Like she has any) or flash her puss at the camera.
DD likes Lauryn because :
Lauryn hill is becauce most africans americans has that wright kind of voice when it come to singeinging and they talk about a strougle of there life like rap R&B and hiphop growning up with the things they never had and they are the most funniest people on earth look at what they been through I grow up around black people even though Im a white girl on the ouside but I'm more black in the mind and talk with a ghettoo actict.