New York City's subway system is a marvel of municipal planning. No other city on earth ships nearly as much human freight from Queens to Manhattan on a daily basis. Though riding MTA rails is in every way superior to traveling by private automobile, it's not without perils. Be an educated and cautious transit rider, and your odds of a safe commute greatly increase (to "fair").
The subway platform is death's sewing room. It's crowded with every variety of rogue, from pickpockets and shiv artists to buskers and capitalists. Look upon every fellow rail-rider with equal suspicion, while trying not to look directly at any of them.
Someone will no doubt ask you for money. In exchange, he may offer you tortas, batteries, a "musical" performance, a swipe through the turnstile, or temporary salve for the guilt you suffered while stepping over him. These transactions are, without exception, TOTAL RIP-OFFS. In this respect, they are no different from the "legitimate" transactions that take place in the sunlit boutiques far above this stinking subterranean labrynth; enjoy hunting for bargains.
Approximately one in seven people waiting on your train platform is a face-slasher or gut-stabber who will cut you with scant provocation, and less warning. These loonies tend to target attractive women, but who doesn't? Sometimes the knife man works cooperatively with an unlicensed vendor: Much in the same way that European gypsies toss their babies at tourists to distract them, the vendor will try to get your attention by pitching his goods or services. (Typical examples include batteries "fo-fo one dolla, fo-fo one dolla" or a caricature while-you-wait.) If you afford this decoy your attention for even a fraction of one instant, his partner will most certainly seize the opportunity to slice you across your pretty mug.
Additionally, the 25-cent batteries perform poorly.
Move to the front of the platform. The first car on the train is the unofficial "singles car."
As a train nears the station, novice riders may begin to let their guard down. It is easy to understand why inexperienced straphangers associate the oncoming train with security, but they grossly misestimate the risk. This is, in fact, the moment of greatest danger, as hundreds of commuters are shoved in front of oncoming trains every day. There is only one absolutely certain way to avoid being pushed in front of any given train, and that is to get pushed in front of an earlier train, and killed.
You can, however, take some preventative steps to try and defer your day to die: as the train approaches, turn your body so that your shoulders are perpendicular to the track. Spread your feet shoulder-width apart and shift your weight to the foot nearest the track to brace yourself.
If, when the train doors open, you are not a tangle of splintered bone and shredded muscle tissue on the tracks, step aside to let disembarking passengers off the train. Not everybody does this, but unless you are 5 years old or being pursued by Russian mobsters, there's really no excuse for shoving your way into a car that still contains passengers who wish to get out.
Once inside, stand clear of the closing doors, please.
Now look, it's crowded in here. Do you expect us to believe that you CANNOT AVOID farting? Because we have never experienced the mounting pressure of a fart that couldn't wait 90 seconds for the train to get to its next stop. We might not know it came from you, but an atrocity committed anonymously is an atrocity nonetheless.
Hopefully you aren't wearing a backpack, or it will be sliced open, plundered, and probably "tagged" with gang grafitti behind your back. We're sorry, we should have warned you about this earlier. Also, your wallet should be in your front pocket. If you had it in your back pocket upon entering the train, you don't have it there anymore.
IF: you encounter a terrorist attempting to detonate an explosive device, ignite a fire, or unleash a gas weapon, yell to alert those commuters around you who share your love of freedom and democracy. (While villainous, the aforementioned S.B.D probably does not qualify as a "terrorist gas weapon.") Together, you may be able to wrestle the device out of his hands and overpower him. Or her. Whatever; girls can be terrorists too. Don't pull the emergency brake, though, we've got somewhere to be.
IF: you encounter one of the city's famous "mole people," back away slowly. Remember they are as frightened of you as you are of them.
IF: you don't have gloves or a handkerchief with you, don't hold the pole for balance. It's real gross.
IF you are that pretty French girl on the G with the guitar-toting tool of a boyfriend: e-mail us; U R so cute.
Stay alert, use common sense, and maintain an almost-immobilizing level of fear. You might be fine. If you cannot use this advice, there is another
seriousdanger article directly behind this one; stand clear!