Heads up, asshole!
Today no one can be trusted. If a man plays a prank on you, he is your enemy. An enemy deserves no mercy. Mercy is for the weak. We do not train to be merciful here.
1. THE OLD "KICK ME" TRICK:
A sign is affixed to the back of the mark's shirt or jacket. In the classic version, the sign reads "kick me." Modern variations include "shock / awe me" and "OMG I M A t0t4l F4G3t!!!!"
THE THWART:
The prankster will attempt to exploit your desire for approval, and attach the sign to your back while pretending to pat you on the back, help you into your chair, or hold you lovingly in his firm embrace as only a man can. Be suspicious of any physical contact. (This is a good rule at any time, but especially today.)
Consider coating your clothes with some kind of grease or lubricant to resist adhesives. That will show them!
2. THE OLD "BUCKET OF WATER PROPPED AT THE TOP OF THE DOORWAY" TRICK:
A pail of water is balanced at the top of a doorway. When the mark opens the door to walk through, the pail tips, spilling its contents over the mark. Confetti or anthrax may be substituted for water.
THE THWART:
Doors open toward their hinges. You are at greatest risk walking through doors that push open. Doors that pull open are relatively safe, being harder to rig for this prank. In fact, anybody who engineers this trick for the hinged side of a door must have worked pretty hard, and probably deserves to see you (or somebody) soaked. If you can see a door's hinges from the outside, pull it open as usual.
For doors that push open: think long and hard about whether there is anything on the other side that's worth risking the old B.O.W.P.A.T.T.O.T.D.T. We see no reason to open the door to your place of employment today -- call in sick. Bathroom doors can wait until tomorrow -- keep an empty Snapple bottle by your bed, and one by your desk. For those few push-open doors whose passage is absolutely necessary, kick them open like cops do on TV. We do this anyway, year-round.
3. THE OLD "CHEWING GUM ON THE TELEPHONE RECEIVER" TRICK:
The prankster plants a wad of chewing gum, or some other sticky goo, on the earpiece of the mark's telephone receiver. When the mark answers his or her first phone call, he or she gets a sticky, gooey surprise in the ear. The same thing happens again when he or she answers his or her second phone call, if he or she is stupid.
THE THWART:
If you are still conducting conversations on unsecure phone lines after the passage of the Patriot Act, you deserve what you get.
4. THE OLD "THUMBTACK ON THE CHAIR" TRICK:
The prankster puts a thumbtack, briar, or scorpion on the mark's chair. When the mark sits down, he or she gets a thumbtacky, briarous, or scorpionic surprise in the ass. In especially vicious cases, the little prick can be tainted with SARS, or Sickle Cell Anemia.
THE THWART:
Didn't we say "call in sick?" Here, we'll say it again: call in sick. If you absolutely must make an appearance at your job today, scrap your old office chair first thing. Jumbo medicine balls make great office chairs. They promote good posture, exercise your abdominal muscles, and scorpions tumble right off them.
Immediately begin looking for a job you can skip sometimes.
5. THE OLD "CLEAN A JERK" TRICK:
The prankster substitutes Nair for the mark's usual shampoo, or puts glass shards on the soap, or crushed-up butterscotch candies in the shower head, or fills the tub with fat, wretched bullfrogs, or installs a secret webcam in the bathroom ceiling.
THE THWART:
The bathroom is the most dangerous room in the house. A huge majority of household accidents either take place in the bathroom, or in bed when you dream you're in the bathroom. We've switched from the traditional American shower to an all-over rubdown with Wet-Naps, and we've never been happier. Maybe showers remind us of
Psycho too much.