Flags across the country are flying at half-mast as a show of respect for Bob Hope, America's greatest hero. Some may bristle at the idea of lowering the flag for an entertainer when it has previously been customary only to do so for public servants and dignitaries. These people probably have posters of Mumia and Osama in their drug dens, and you should ask them what the fuck their problem is. Get right up in their faces.
Though he was born in the UK, Bob Hope devoted his whole life to serving America, whether it meant hosting the Academy Awards or appearing as an ice cream vendor in "The Muppet Movie."
Tirelessly, he golfed with Presidents, and supplied servicemen with essential jokes. By performing at USO shows, he contributed more to America's war efforts than any armed division ever could have. As a civilian (and later, "honorary veteran"), he was under no obligation to perform, but did so of his own volition, and at great personal strain. He had to fly to those shows, you know, and he didn't like planes very much. Could you have done the same? Keep in mind that your ears would pop.
Bob Hope had millions of dollars, and he could sing and dance a little, too, before he got old and decrepit. Verily, there was no end to his heroism, and we shall never see another patriot — or man — so great.
He got to be a hundred. If you think that shit is easy, just you try it. Yeah, thought so.
On this day of national mourning, let us also remember some of America's other true heroes, who died without proper sendoffs.
RALPH JAMES 1924-1992
Born Ralph James Torrez, James was best known as the voice of Orson on "Mork & Mindy." His death in 1992 went unobserved by President George H. W. Bush, who no doubt feared rebuke from anti-drug stalwarts in the GOP, were he to honor a man who lent his vocal talents to the provocative 1974 animated film "The Nine Lives of Fritz the Cat." James was not buried at Arlington National Cemetery, most likely.
EDDIE GAEDEL 1925-1961
This 3'7" 65-lb midget had a 1.5-inch strike zone, which Detroit Tigers hurler Bob Cain discovered to his consternation, walking Gaedel on four straight pitches on August 18, 1951. The League barred the midget from appearing in any more games, and ten years later he was laid to rest without the hero's funeral he deserved. President Johnson failed to order flags to be flown at half mast, probably the most appalling decision of his term.
RANDY GARDNER 1947-?
In 1964, Gardner, then a 17-year-old California high school student, resolved to set a new world record for sleep deprivation. Using no stimulants (not even coffee), Gardner went 264 hours without sleep. Gardner would only be 56 now, but he might very well be dead, especially if he kept trying shit like that. Do you remember lowering the flag for him? No, you don't. Historians will not remember us kindly for our oversight.