Monsters can kill you and scare you. It is important to give them the respect they deserve, and also to know their weaknesses. Everyone hopes a monster attack will not happen to him, but it might, so it is important to be prepared. Preparation can make the difference between survival and having your brain eaten, or worse.
MUMMIES:
Brendan Fraser's 1999 movie THE MUMMY was on TV three times last night, and while it is totally bitchin', it gives people the wrong idea about mummies. They can not kung-fu you, and they are slow. But they will lay a curse on you as soon as look at you. There is a mummy in the Brooklyn Museum of Art, and everyone who has ever looked at it has died, or will.
Mummies are not really afraid of cats like in the movie. In fact, some mummies are cats. Mummies can not turn into a sandstorm, except through years of decay, dessication, and erosion like everybody else.
PEOPLE AT RISK FOR MUMMIES: Egyptologists, collectors of rare antiquities, Bud Abbott, Lou Costello
WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE ATTACKED BY A MUMMY: Run! Mummies are slow. But if you have disturbed a mummy's eternal resting place, you will never run fast or far enough to escape the mummy's curse. Mummies' eternal resting places are in pyramids, so they are easy to avoid.
DRACULAS:
Draculas can do all kinds of creepy shape-shifting stuff. They will turn into rats, or bats, or any other creature of the night. What music they make! What happened to their Transylvania Twist? Draculas do not like garlic, which is weird. You can shine sunlight on them during the day, but at night you are straight up fucked. Some Draculas have good breeding, and will be gentle, but do not be fooled. Draculas do not love you. They look at you like a Capri-Sun.
PEOPLE AT RISK FOR DRACULAS: Goths, Rumanians, O blood types, Bud Abbott, Lou Costello
WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE ATTACKED BY A DRACULA: Spray it with holy water. Also, have a cross. Draculas hate crosses almost as much as the ACLU does. Like the police, Draculas can not enter your home unless you invite them. Do not ask a Dracula to come in.
WOLFMANS:
With wolfmans, you can shoot them, instead of having to get right up close and stake them like a Dracula. But they are really fast, while Draculas are sometimes just lying there. Wear wolfsbane! It might be a plant or something. You know what someone should do? Someone should make fabric out of wolfsbane like they do with hemp, and make wolfman-proof hippie hoodies out of it.
PEOPLE AT RISK FOR WOLFMANS: outdoors enthusiasts, zookeepers, Farley Mowat, Bud Abbott, Lou Costello
WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE ATTACKED BY A WOLFMAN: Shoot it with a silver bullet. Coors' largest-selling brand and the fourth best-selling beer in the U.S., Coors Light is a proud supporter of Guys' Night Out.
FRANKENSTEINS:
Frankensteins will fuck you up. They are strong, and they are made of dead people. They are afraid of fire, is all. And sometimes you can pour soup on them. But the best idea is not to make any Frankensteins in the first place, which is really toying with powers you cannot possibly understand anyway.
PEOPLE AT RISK FOR FRANKENSTEINS: children, mad scientists, Bud Abbott, Lou Costello
WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE ATTACKED BY A FRANKENSTEIN: Show the Frankenstein some kindness. It is only searching for love in a world that fears, reviles, and misunderstands it. Set some relationship boundaries early, though. Make it clear that you sympathize, but that you have your own interests and concerns, and cannot be there for the Frankenstein whenever he needs you.