Monsters are a threat to our American way of life, and probably to other ways of life, too. Wherever they go, death and mayhem follow in their wake. If we know more about monsters, we can be better prepared. Some say that preparation is a way to combat fear, but frankly, if you do not have a healthy fear of monsters, then you are just plain stupid. Monsters are the scariest thing there is.
GHOSTS:
A ghost used to be a person until it died. Then it came back! Ghosts are everywhere, but most are benign. Some are even friendly, like Casper, the friendly boy who died. Even nice ghosts may play tricks on you, or move your furniture if they do not like where you put it. Mostly you have to look out for the mean ones, especially poltergeists. Poltergeists come from Germany, and they will haunt the shit out of you. You can tell if you have a ghost or a poltergeist because there's something strange, and it don't look good.
PEOPLE AT RISK FOR GHOSTS: Pac Man, Ms. Pac Man, Baby Pac, Demi Moore
WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE ATTACKED BY A GHOST: Lots of ghosts will go away if you tell them to. Use a firm, authoritative tone of voice. If you are confronted by a very angry ghost, try to find out what's bothering him. Maybe you built your house on his sacred burial ground. Maybe he is tormented by some trauma during his life, or right at the end of it. Solving this mystery can be thrilling! Use a Ouija board.
ZOMBIES:
Zombies are also dead folks -- what walks around. They want to eat your brains, which you obviously don't want eaten, which is the crux of the conflict between zombies and living humans. You know when zombies are around because you smell offal. They smell awful. It is interesting to see zombies, because the pageantry of funeary fashion through the ages is all on parade. Some people are buried wearing hats!
PEOPLE AT RISK FOR ZOMBIES: Whosoever shall be found without the soul for getting down
WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE ATTACKED BY A ZOMBIE: Zombies are already dead, so they must be totally destroyed. You can shatter their heads, or burn them up, or explode them, or cut them into pieces. It is hard for civilized people to come to terms with this, but it has to be done. Get creative! Use liquid nitrogen, or push them into a wood chipper, or dissolve them in acid. If one bites you, you will get zombieism.
GILLMANS:
The gillman is a creature that, by all the laws of nature, should have died out a quarter of a million years ago. It is probably a fish, I guess. Maybe it is an amphibian. Gillmans live in lagoons or bayous, and only come into contact with humans as the result of scientific expeditions, deforestation and unchecked suburban sprawl. Peaceable and shy if left alone, gillmans are ferocious when provoked. They are also total horndogs, and for some reason, go for the leggy screen idol type. You would think they would like their ladies the way Moses liked seafood: with fins and scales -- but everybody has his kink, and bathing beauties are the gillman's.
PEOPLE AT RISK FOR GILLMANS: Marine biologists, damsels, primitive pygmy tribes
WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE ATTACKED BY A GILLMAN: Do not antagonize the gillman in his own habitat. His tough, chitinous exoskeleton will deflect harpoons. You can try shooting him with your pistol, but the surface of the water refracts light, making it difficult to hit submerged targets from above deck. He was at peace here, in this remote lagoon, forgotten by time itself. Why do you torment him so? Do you seek scientific enlightenment? Fame? The gillman will visit a terrible vengeance on you for your covetousness. Employ a sexy assistant; gillman likes the ladies.
APEMANS:
Apemans are hairy like apes, but they wear pleather clothes and talk. They have their own understanding of the natural order. It's a madhouse. A maaaaadhoooouuuse! Apemans are aliens. Or maybe you are the alien! It fucks with your mind. Meanwhile, they will lock your hairless homosapien heiny in the hoosegow. On the bright side, they will try to mate you with other humans.
PEOPLE AT RISK FOR APEMANS: Astronauts, time travelers, existentialists
WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE ATTACKED BY APEMANS: Get their filthy paws off you, for starters. They are damned dirty. Do not try to explain yourself, or ask questions. They will not understand, and it will be as if the whole world is upside-down and topsy-turvy. Remember, you are as weird to apemans as they are to you. Use this to your advantage. Also: it was earth all along.