Monsters are the single most deadly threat we face in the world today. Monsters are the original terrorists. For ages now, monsters have been weilding fear and destruction in order to get their way, frightening and dismembering those who oppose them. A monster is a bad motherfucker, and hopefully you will never see one. But if you do, information will be your ally. Bone up on monsters, or they will rip the bones out of you!
TROLLS:
Trolls live under and around bridges, eking out a living by charging people to cross. Some industrious trolls will build trollbooths and subcontract their extortion racket to civil employees. This gives them time to pursue their favorite hobby: "surfing" the "web" and posting on message boards. There are all kinds of trolls including ice trolls and spectral trolls. There are wood trolls too, but usually when people talk about "wood trolls" they just mean erections.
PEOPLE AT RISK FOR TROLLS: Web loggers, billy goats gruff, automotive commuters
WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE ATTACKED BY A TROLL: All trolls are vulnerable to acid and fire. If you knock one down, cast fireball on it or it will regenerate. If you see one online, start a flame war.
THE NEW JERSEY DEVIL:
The New Jersey Devil has lived in the creepy South Jersey environs for over 200 years. It was born out of a regular human woman, like Rosemary's baby, but then it flew up the chimney, like Santa giving a nod. It is about four feet tall like Dr. Ruth, has large leathery wings like a bat, and a long horsey-type face like Ann Coulter. It has hooves like a goat, with which it will beat you like a rug.
PEOPLE AT RISK FOR THE NEW JERSEY DEVIL: New Jerseyans
WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE ATTACKED BY THE NEW JERSEY DEVIL:
You will need well-conditioned forwards who are skilled, fast skaters, balanced across several lines. On defense, they must dog the puck handlers all over the rink. They should feel comfortable playing out of strict positions in order to put relentless pressure on the puck in all zones. This works a little like a full-court press in basketball, and may keep the beast from implementing its defensive "trap." It is exhausting, though.
GOLEMS:
Do not let his exotic name and adherence to kosher law fool you! The golem is a Jewish Frankenstein. You may think: I wouldn't want to meet a Golem in a dark alley! But actually, if you had to meet him in any kind of alley, the darker the better. Because then maybe you could hide. The LOTR's "Gollum" is not a Golem. That is a common misconception. Golems can be made of almost anything, but are usually clay. Which, you know, is how G_d made Adam, too! Contemplate how the Golem's manufacture echoes this episode in the Torah while he is pulling your legs off.
PEOPLE AT RISK FOR GOLEMS: Persecutors of the Jews of Prague, Kabbalistic meddlers
WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE ATTACKED BY A GOLEM: If you are not a rabbi, find someone who is. There is a tablet in the Golem's mouth, under his tongue, and the word "Ameth" is scratched on his head. To kill the Golem, take the tablet out of his mouth. Also, rub out the first letter of "Ameth" and make it say "Meth," which means death. You are probably saying: yeah, right! Like I'm going to be able to do that! And it's kind of true; you are fucked.