Oscar predictions by El Improbablo, famed professional wrestler and frequent
seriousdanger contributor
There are, my brothers and sisters, hardly any businesses like show business, at least insofar as businesses I know are concerned. Hollywood stars and starlets teach us how to live better. They show us how to love better. They teach schoolboys how to solve their problems with action! And valuable lessons about how women are not to be trusted.
Hollywood! La la la la la la la lollywood!
But today, beloved hugtards, I do not wish to talk about the cinema. I wish to give you my annual predictions for the Oscars.
PREDICTION: Oscar de la Hoya will publicly beat someone into submission. No charges will be filed.
PREDICTION: Oscar the Grouch will acquire something dirty or dingy or dusty, provided nothing ragged or rotten or rusty is available.
PREDICTION: Colognemonger Oscar de la Renta will not get any more of my business. I have a limited amount to spend on fragrances, you understand, and I don't want to go around smelling like a "Poor Louie!" Oh, da toilet.
PREDICTION: Dead bachelor Oscar Madison, played by dead actor Walter Matthau, will move in with his grumpiest old roommate yet — Irish dramatist Oscar Wilde, played by himself! We'll be rolling in the aisles as this comically mismatched duo tries to reconcile their conflicting after-lifestyles and housekeeping philosophies.
"Wilde Thing, did you eat the last of the eggs?" Madison will ask. "I always like to keep some eggs around."
"Consistency," Wilde will reply, "is the last refuge of the unimaginative." Oh, snap!
PREDICTION: Schoolchildren all across the country will wish they were Oscar Mayer weiners, that being what they really want to be.