Michigan is not all world-dominant hockey teams, physician-assisted suicide and ginger ale. It is also a "winter wonderland," and a place the ancient Romans called "pleasant peninsula."
Michigan is actually two peninsulae, the lower of which is shaped like a hand in a shoddily-knit mitten. Do you know Michigan's southern peninsula like the back of your hand? Only if it's your left hand! Otherwise the thumb will be on the wrong side, cartographically speaking. In the Biblical sense, you may also know Michigan like the front of your right hand.
The Upper Peninsula (or "U.P.") was awarded to Michiganders as the booby prize in a war with Ohio. At stake was the Michigan/Ohio border, which was fiercely contested, as both states laid claim to Toledo. Ohio won, but the joke was on them, because the U.P. ended up having copper and lumber, while Toledo just ended up having En Japanese Steakhouse and Jamie Farr. We hear Wendy Thomas of Wendy's fame went to Catholic school there, too, but we could be wrong.
People from the U.P. are called "Yoopers," and are more or less trustworthy, though they typically lack certain refinements and teeth.
When you visit the "Great Lakes State," be sure to save your pop cans. These can be traded in at most grocery or convenience stores for a dime apiece. Convenience stores in Michigan are usually called "party stores," which is pronounced "PAIR-dee stores." Michigan is home to many fine accomodations, including the world-famous Chief Shoppenagon's Motor Hotel.
You should know in advance that guests of Chief Shoppenagon will be screened by a council of elders. Those who pass the initial evaluation will be sent on a vision quest or beer run, depending on beer surplus levels in the sacred ceremonial cooler. Guests must observe ancient tribal rites and customs for the duration of their stay, and full color television sets in each room are equipped to show premium adult programming at a reasonable fee. Covered parking is also available for snowmobiles.
Michigan is known the world over for its many scenic natural spaces, including forests, dunes, lakes, rivers, marshes and rocky coasts. Many of these are perfect for hiking, camping, birdwatching, or sitting on a folding chair and waiting for something at which to fire a rifle. Hikers, campers and birdwatchers should be mindful of their fellow outdoorsmen on folding chairs with rifles. Remember: share the outdoors, and stay away from the salt licks; they are tasty, but they are traps.
SHOPPING IN MICHIGAN
OK, so look: shopping in Michigan, you may not find your fancy stores like the Gap, and Strawberry, and Merry-Go-Round, like they have on Rodeo Drive. But there are lots of charming boutiques where you can buy used paperback bestsellers, a variety of rubber snakes and spiders, homemade maple syrup, and regional handicrafts like keychain in the shape of a moccasin made from real leather, or a bird sculpture of dried, lacquered cow shit, which you can put on your desk to amuse and impress your coworkers. Plus, one time at a garage sale, we found an old G.I.Joe comic book we'd been looking for for months, and it was in pretty good shape. Plus, you know, the grocery stores have eggs and bread and pickles and all that kind of stuff.
As far as we know, Michigan is the home of the Meijer's Thrifty Acres chain. Meijer's stores are open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 360-some days a year, and stock everything from groceries to toys to hardware to home electronics. If, at 3:30AM on Easter Sunday, you find yourself in Michigan and in need of a gallon of milk, a shotgun, a house plant and the newest Jessica Simpson CD, you're in the right state.
NEXT: Famous Michiganders