Michigan has produced more notable personages than you would think. But then, you think inside a box of New-York-City-centricity. Maybe you should wake up and smell the fact that the world does not revolve around Manhattan. It is the stinkiest fact of all!
Here are some famous Michiganders every schoolboy should know:
THOMAS EDISON
Though Edison was born in Ohio, he moved to Port Huron when he was seven years old. He invented so much awesome shit that he became known as "the Wizard of Menlo Park." Some smart alec may point out that Menlo Park is in New Jersey, not Michigan, to which we reply "go back to nerdlife.com, Poindexter."
MALCOLM X
Though Malcolm X was born in Nebraska, he grew up in Lansing, where, as a child, he watched his house get burned down probably by the KKK, but maybe by drunken Michigan State Spartan fans.
HENRY FORD
Henry Ford was born in Greenfield, and grew up in what is now Dearborn. He invented the Quadricycle and the assembly line, and was not especially socially progressive. Let's just say he would probably have been into Mel Gibson's "Passion of the Christ," if you catch our drift.
DAVE COULIER
Dave Coulier was born in Detroit. He rocketed to fame on Nickelodeon's "Out of Control," and went on to become an accomplice in the "Full House" atrocities. He was a mainstay of celebrity hockey tournaments with MacGyver and Alan Thicke, back before the sport got cool enough to upgrade to C-list stars.
ALICE COOPER
Alice Cooper was born in Detroit. He was doing the whole cartoony shock-rock thing before KISS did it, before Marilyn Manson did it, and before Gwar did it. And it was stupid the first time.
GERALD FORD
Gerald Ford was not elected, but succeeded President Nixon when Nixon resigned from office. Not that you have to be elected anymore. Way back in 1934, he was MVP of the University of Michigan football team, though later in life he was lampooned for his perceived klutziness. He was famous for his mishaps on the golf course, and, to a lesser extent, for being the President of the United States.
CHARLTON HESTON
Charlton Heston is an addle-brained old maniac who would just as soon fill you full of lead as look at you. He grew up in St. Helen, where no one talks like that. Don't ask us where he picked up his hammy, affected accent.
SINBAD
Sinbad was born in Benton Harbor, whence he set off at a young age in search of the missing treasure of Alexander the Great. After battling undead pirate skeletons, the evil Amir, and the deadly Melik, he returned to join the cast of the "Cosby Show" spin-off "A Different World" in 1987.
Michigan also gave the world Bob Ubanks, Cathy Guisewhite, Steven Seagal, and General George Armstrong Custer. Our bad!
Next: the mighty wolverine, Michigan's state critter