These quotes are all real and verbatim. The exchanges took place in an unremarkable office in Midtown Manhattan. They are listed here chronologically, in the same order in which they took place.
Cast of Characters:
The Weird-Ass Coworker (a weird-ass office drone)
The Poor Sap (an unfortunate wretch who has to sit by The Weird-Ass Coworker)
Scene: The Weird-Ass Coworker is on the phone with an unknown party. He is describing how he refuses to kowtow to David Letterman, and how, when he makes it big as a Hollywood director, he will not promote his feature films on the LATE SHOW. This will be his revenge for the time he applied for a job as an NBC page and didn't get it.
WAC: I put it to you this way: Almost any New Yorker will tell you that they worship Letterman. I totally disagree with that. And I'd tell that to his face. I don't think many people would want to do that. Because they'd probably want to work with him!
***
Scene: The Weird-Ass Coworker and the Poor Sap are working.
WAC: (gets the Poor Sap's attention)
PS: (removes headphones, which are not playing music, but which he wears to keep his Weird-Ass Coworker from talking to him) Yeah?
WAC: What do you think of this?
(chant/singing) Say what? Say what? Say what, chkaboom, say what?
PS: ...
WAC: You think that could be a rap song?
PS: Uh... yeah.
***
Scene: The Weird-Ass Coworker is typing. He looks up.
WAC: Hey, are you supposed to capitalize "holocaust?"
PS: Hmn, good question. I think maybe if you're talking about
the Holocaust — like the
Shoah the Holocaust — you do, but if you're just talking about
a holocaust you don't.
WAC: No, just the event itself.
PS: ...
***
Scene: The Weird-Ass Coworker and the Poor Sap are working.
WAC: Who's Mitch Hedberg?
PS: A comedian who just died.
WAC: What was he famous for?
PS: ...Telling jokes?
***
Scene: The Weird-Ass Coworker and the Poor Sap are talking about why the day's mailing project is being set up the way it is, with each of the 9th-floor employees taking a shift manning the envelope-stuffing machine on another floor.
WAC: It would take a long time to do by hand, even if you had everybody working at once.
PS: You lose the same number of hours whether you have everyone working it at once, or one person working at a time.
WAC: (stares vacantly at the Poor Sap)
PS: One person does in four hours what four people do in one hour, but in both cases you've spent four man-hours.
WAC: It would take a lot more than four hours.
PS: !!
***
Scene: The Weird-Ass Coworker and the Poor Sap are working.
WAC: I didn't realize the Vatican was considered its own state, did you?
PS: Yeah.
WAC: Sort of like Washington, D.C.?
PS: ...No.
***
Scene: The Weird-Ass Coworker and the Poor Sap are working. It is Wednesday.
WAC: Hey, you know what today is!?
PS: Um... Wednesday.
WAC: Oh! Fuck, you're right.
***
Scene: The Weird-Ass Coworker and the Poor Sap are working.
WAC: You know the one good thing after paper cuts?
PS: Whazzat?
WAC: The healing process.
PS: Hmn.
WAC: It's the only time I'll eat my own skin.
***
Scene: The Weird-Ass Coworker returns from lunch.
WAC: Pennies?
PS: Hunh?
WAC: (holds out his hand) You want pennies?
PS: You're getting rid of them?
WAC: (nods) I don't like pennies. You want them?
PS: As opposed to... what, you're going to throw them away?
WAC: (nods)
PS: OK, I'll take them.
WAC: I'm doing my part to eliminate pennies from our currency.
PS: You know, they make new ones.
WAC:My struggle is fruitless.