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Sunday, January 15, 2006

Dead Things We Have Seen

This dead thing comes from the seriousdanger photo archives recently rediscovered in an attic in our editor-in-chief's home town.

Odocoileus virginianus in a cardboard box, found in the northern Michigan woods circa 1995. Cause of death: unknown (foul play suspected).


The Internet Remembers: Lauryn Hill / Jessica Simpson Feud


Cultures clashed at the end of the 1990s when native New Jerseyan Lauryn Hill and erstwhile Mouseketeer Jessica Simpson both had hits at the top end of the pop charts. They vied for the same space in the Top 40, but these two ladies had very different styles. Who was the fans' favorite?

Fortunately for cultural historians, the vox populi is preserved online. Below are actual message board posts from elsewhere on the world wide wank. Dust them off like so many sooty Pompeiians, and remember what it was like to live in a nation divided.
Lauryn The Smooth One - Jessica The Blonde One

Jessica Simpson Vs. Lauryn Hill
Do you pick the hip swinging lady or the pop icon?

mason likes Lauryn because :
how is she racist????????? i sure in 96' the fugees sang Angle with simply red who is mixed race but looks more white. Do your research please.

SGT D likes Lauryn because :
I am tired of seeing some none singing white girl on TV just beacause she appleals to the majority of White America. I also heard she wasn't too friendly when she visited out Troops on the USS Roosevelt.

e likes Lauryn because :
lauryn is much more talented than jessica..at least she writes her own stuff. I dunno anything bout the racist stuff but hopefully she isn't cos i'm white.

dasheir1 likes Lauryn because :
WELL, SHE SMATER, PRETTY AND HAVE THE MOST LOVELY VOICE AND TO EVERY ONE WHO SAYING SHE RACIST, YALL DON'T KNOW WHAT YALL TALKING ABOUT BECAUSE THAT WAS A RUMOR. HOW I KNOW WILL MY BROTHER AND HER BROTHER ARE BROTHERS IN COLLEGE, SWEAR TO GOD THEY ARE AND SHE TOLD MY BROTHER THAT IN PERSON. LAURYN KEEP ON FIGHTING BECAUSE I'M FIGHTING WITH YOU AND YOU DO YOU AND LET THOSE HATER HATE ON THE MOTHER OF SOUL. LOVE YOU ALWAYS, DASHEIR

Joey likes Lauryn because :
Lauryn Hill is a racist, I hate her guts.

akira likes Lauryn because :
she can sang yes yes!!!jessica kyan hit tha high notes but her voice doesnt sustain itself when shes up there..its too weak..i dun lysen to her music but tha songs that she came out wit were not all that..lauryn kyeers for her fans as well as jessica i dun tink its really fair to say that she dun aight peace

Kattttt likes Lauryn because :
She won a grammy and Jessica Simpson is a whore!

Javalight likes Lauryn because :
She has great music and awesome c.d.s! Plus, She is a wonderful role model unlike Jessica Simpson! She doesn't show off her boobs (Like she has any) or flash her puss at the camera.

DD likes Lauryn because :
Lauryn hill is becauce most africans americans has that wright kind of voice when it come to singeinging and they talk about a strougle of there life like rap R&B and hiphop growning up with the things they never had and they are the most funniest people on earth look at what they been through I grow up around black people even though Im a white girl on the ouside but I'm more black in the mind and talk with a ghettoo actict.

Counterexamples Disproving George Michael's Assertion that Although not Everybody "Does it," Everybody Should


  • Peter Braunstein

  • People carrying venereal diseases that have no known cure

  • George Herbert Walker Bush and Barbara (retroactive to 1945)

  • Children under the age of consent

  • Pregnant women diagnosed with placenta previa or incompetent cervix conditions

  • Child molesters

  • Staunch "pro-life" advocates

  • Our parents, after the disturbing but necessary business of conceiving us was completed

  • Anyone in a persistent vegetative state

  • Siblings

 

 

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